Finding Your Window of Tolerance (and How to Slowly Grow it)

When we live with chronic pain, it’s easy for our world to get smaller. The things we used to do without thinking—making breakfast, brushing our teeth, chatting with a friend—can start to feel impossible on high-pain days. Over time, our lives can shrink down to just what we can survive. But this is where understanding your window of tolerance becomes so important.

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

Okay, so what exactly is that? The “window of tolerance” is a term used to describe the range of things your body and nervous system can handle without going into overwhelm.

When you’re inside your window, you feel grounded enough to function, even if you’re uncomfortable. You can still brush your teeth, take a shower, make a snack, or send a text to a friend—even if pain or stress are present.

When you’re outside your window, your nervous system is in survival mode. You might feel panicky, hopeless, exhausted, or your pain might start to flare. Your body is saying, “I can’t handle anything else right now.”

Everyone’s window of tolerance is different. Chronic pain, trauma, and long-term stress can make that window smaller—but with patience and practice, we can grow it again.

Why Your Window of Tolerance Matters

When we live with ongoing pain, we often push too hard or do too little. On good days, we might try to “catch up” and do as much as possible—but that can lead to a pain flare and an inevitable crash. On bad days, we might stay in bed all day just trying to get through it—which can make our window shrink even more.

Finding and respecting your window of tolerance helps you stay balanced. It’s not about giving up—it’s about working with your nervous system, not against it.

By learning what you can do consistently, even during flares, you create a foundation. You create a little bit of predictability for your nervous system. Then, step by step, you can build from there.

How to Find Your Window of Tolerance

Start by making a list of things you can do every single day, even when your pain is high. These might seem small, but they’re powerful.

Examples might include:

• Brushing your teeth

• Washing your face or using deodorant

• Drinking a glass of water

• Walking to the bathroom

• Reading one page of a book

• Sending a quick text to a friend

• Sitting outside for a minute

  
  

These are the things that belong inside your current window of tolerance. They represent what your body can handle right now (and if the only thing on that list is going to the bathroom, that's okay too. That's where my daughter was when she started).

The goal is to hold on to these activities and not let pain take them from you. When pain or fatigue spike, your window may feel smaller, but try to keep these few daily activities as non-negotiable. They are your anchors—reminders that you still have some routine and aren't just at the whim of this roller coaster of pain.

How to Grow Your Window of Tolerance

Once you’ve identified your daily anchors, you are going to hold on tightly to them and start to gently expand your window. Very slowly. Incrementally. One microgoal a week.

This is where the 90/10 rule comes in.

Your next step is to add something you think you can probably do every day—something that will be manageable about 90% of the time and difficult 10% of the time. This might mean eating a vegetable once a day, walking to the mailbox, or sitting at the table for a meal. It will be different for everyone.

That 10% stretch is where growth happens—but it’s a gentle stretch, not a push that triggers a pain flare.

Each time you stay within that 90/10 range, you’re training your brain and nervous system to see these activities as safe. And you are showing your brain that you can participate in life sucessfully, without needing increased pain to protect you. Over time, your window of tolerance expands—and your life does too.

Why This Matters

This approach helps you rebuild trust in your body and in yourself. Instead of waiting for pain to go away before living again, you begin living with pain—carefully, intentionally, and with self-compassion. Week by week your repertoire of what you are able to do expands, despite fluctuations in pain. And in time, you are able to make a plan to go out with a friend and know that you will be able to follow through with it because you have expanded your window of tolerance to include being out in public for a couple hours a day, regardless of fluctuating pain.

The magical thing is that as you slowly grow your capacity to participate in life, your brain will likely start to decrease the intensity of your pain. It's actually not magical, it's scientific but it feels like magic after all we've tried to decrease our pain!!

You start to realize:

“I can have pain and still do things."

In fact, my daughter can not believe the things she is able to do with increased pain now! ~ write an exam, drive, work a shift, make an important phone call....

Her pain used to have her flat out in bed all day every day and her window of tolerance was miniscule. Now it has grown like the Grinch's heart.

Small steps add up. They bring light, structure, and hope back into your days. And from that foundation, healing can begin.

Coming Next: Setting Weekly Microgoals

In my next post, I’ll walk through how to choose your weekly microgoals—the tiny, doable steps that help you gently increase your function without triggering a pain flare.

For now, start with your list of daily anchors within your window of tolerance. Protect them. Hold on to them. They’re your foundation for recovery and your first steps toward expanding your capacity to participate in life again.