Why Can't She Just Unload the Dishwasher?! Parenting a Child who has Chronic Pain

Navigating the Challenges of Parenting a Child with Chronic Pain

It’s one of the most frustrating parts of parenting a kid with chronic pain. Your child is on their phone, scrolling on TikTok. Or they’re talking with friends through a headset while gaming. They seem fine. But then, the moment you ask them to unload the dishwasher, take out the garbage, or feed the dog—they wince, say their pain just flared, and disappear into their room to lie down.

I get it. It can feel confusing, unfair, and, honestly, a little suspicious.

But here’s where I feel like I have the “insider scoop”—I’m not just a parent; I also live with chronic migraines. From both research and personal experience, I can tell you that what looks like avoidance or laziness can actually be a very real response from a nervous system in overdrive. Let me explain.

Why Does Pain Flare the Moment We Ask Something of Them?

Our kids who live with chronic pain often have nervous systems that are stuck in high alert—like their fight-or-flight switch is jammed on. When that’s the case, anything unexpected or demanding, even something small, can register as a threat. (Yes, even your calm, reasonable request to unload the dishwasher.)

This might sound dramatic—but it’s actually how the brain tries to protect the body. When the brain perceives a threat, it can amplify pain as a warning signal, even if nothing physically harmful is happening. So your child’s pain might actually spike the moment you interrupt their distraction and make a request. Why?

1. Distraction Masks Pain. When your child is enjoying themselves, they’re not tracking every pain signal. It’s like the brain turns the volume down a bit.

2. Interruption Triggers Awareness. As soon as you interrupt their focus, they become aware of their body—and how much it hurts.

3. Unexpected Requests = Nervous System Panic. If their brain wasn’t prepared for a chore, it might react like you just asked them to run a marathon barefoot in the snow. Cue: pain flare.

   
   

I know—it feels unfair. If they have energy to game, they should have energy to help. But with a sensitive, overprotective nervous system, the rules are different.

So… Do They Just Never Do Chores?

Nope. But we do need to get strategic.

The goal isn’t to coddle our kids—it’s to work with their nervous system, not against it. We want to help them build function, confidence, and independence—without triggering unnecessary flares. Here’s how:

1. Plan Ahead Instead of Springing It on Them.

   Unanticipated requests = surprise threat = pain flare. Instead, schedule a time to talk about expectations. My daughter and I used to have short Sunday check-ins to plan for the week. That way, nothing felt like it came “out of nowhere.”

   
   

2. Add Chores to Their Weekly Goals—Not Their Surprise List.

   Want them to start unloading the dishwasher? Great. Add it as one of their weekly goals, not today’s emergency task. When something is on a list they’ve agreed to, it’s less likely to feel threatening. Plus, it helps you both feel reassured: this isn’t about today; it’s about building lifelong skills. (And no, your child is not going to grow into a messy, helpless adult just because they didn’t take out the recycling today.)

   
   

3. Work Together to Choose “Just Right” Goals.

   One chore a week might be plenty for a kid who’s mostly bed-bound. For someone who’s back at school full-time, daily chores might be realistic. The key is finding that sweet spot between too easy and overwhelming. These goals should feel achievable even on hard days, so your child can build confidence and consistency. Big goals can always be broken into microgoals. For example: instead of "Unload the dishwasher” → start with “put away the silverware once this week.”

   
   

Success builds motivation. Motivation builds function. Function reduces pain over time. (Yes, really.)

A Reminder for All of Us

Your child isn’t being manipulative. They’re not lazy. They’re not fragile. They just have a nervous system that’s extra sensitive right now—one that reacts automatically, the way our mouths water at the smell of cookies or our hearts race before a tough conversation.

Our job isn’t to ignore the pain or give in to it. It’s to help our kids rebuild their capacity—step by step, goal by goal—with consistency, patience, and lots of troubleshooting along the way.

It’s not easy. But it’s possible. Step by step.

~ Carla

Registered Clinical Counsellor

& Chronic Pain Coach

general contents of this website are provided solely for educational and informational purposes and are not meant to provide professional medical or psychiatric advice, counselling or therapeutic services.